Conditional Love

Posted on March 20, 2023 by Deborah Newell

Yes, you read that correctly. I’m not talking about unconditional love. You know, the kind parents have for their children; or the love they’re supposed to have for their children.

The unconditional love we have for family, whether we agree with them or not, is what family has for one another. Or it’s what we’re supposed to have.

It’s not always easy. I daresay there are a lot of people who say they love their family, but they don’t like them. They don’t like their political or social views. They don’t like something they’ve said or done in the past.

But most often, if someone asks about that family member they’ll say they love them, but they don’t really see them any more because they’ve had a “falling out” and they’re waiting for the other side to apologize. Which isn’t likely.

But then there are other times when family members decide they want nothing to do with other family members, simply because they won’t do what they want them to do. And because of that, they cut them off, refuse to see them or talk to them, because they won’t do what they want.

We’re talking adults here, not children. And we’re talking especially about parents and their children. Parents who try to control their children long after they’re grown, many times with children of their own, simply because they want them to do what they want, in return for their version of love.

That is not love. That’s control. And it does nothing but destroy family relationships. Parents insisting that their children, or grandchildren for that matter, do what they say or else, instills feelings of abandonment, resentment, loss of self esteem, or the inability to form lasting relationships with others.

Why should they care about others, or why should others care about them, because if they do something wrong, something the other person doesn’t like, then that person or persons will discard them like a useless pile of trash.

That is what we call conditional love. “I love you as long as you go by my rules; if you don’t, then I don’t want you.”

And that is so far from love, I don’t even have words to describe it.

I’ve seen it in a number of natural or dating relationships in which one person attempts to force the other to do what they want, regardless of their partner’s feelings. That’s bad, and it’s a form of emotional abuse. Which no one should ever have to put up with.

But what about when it’s a parent or grandparent who acts that way to their children or grandchildren? That even worse. Parents and grandparents are supposed to love their children and grandchildren whether they agree with their decisions or not. They can give advice to those who are older, but making their love or acceptance contingent on doing certain things isn’t love.

It’s control, or conditional love, which can be taken away as quickly as it’s given. And it’s not healthy for either side of the spectrum.

I’ve seen this far too often in family relationships. And almost always it results in broken families, broken relationships, and children, cousins, nieces and nephews, or grandchildren being estranged or emotionally damaged because of no fault of their own.

Parents, grandparents, and other family members, this message is for you. If you’re doing this, stop

It. Look at it from the other point of view. How would you like to be treated that way? Or even more, if you were treated that way, how did it make you feel?

And if you are honest with yourself in admitting such actions made you feel bad about yourself, why are you doing this same thing to people you’re supposed to love? Why are you continuing the cycle of emotional abuse?

Conditional love isn’t love. It’s control; a way of making you feel important by making others feel unimportant. And it gets you nowhere.

Parents, love your children. Treat them with respect and love. Guide them but teach them to make their own decisions. So they’ll be able to teach their children the same things.

Unconditional love is the key to those relationships. You cannot put a price tag on love.

It’s not conditional.

Are You Leading By Example…or Something Else?

Posted on March 13, 2023 by Deborah Newell

Intimidation

Fear

Unforgiveness

Threats

Judgment

Condemnation

Ostracism

Self righteousness

Arrogance

Bragging

Controlling

Don’t do as I do…Do as I say

All of these behaviors do nothing to build someone up, to make them want to be a better person. Instead of leading by example, you’re making people feel worthless, incompetent, and destroying whatever self confidence they once had.

All because YOU want to be seen as a power figure, someone important. Someone who knows so much more than anyone else.

And why is that? Could it be that you’re really not all the confident and self assured? That you don’t want anyone to know you don’t have all the answers? That someone else may actually have a better solution for a problem than you?

Why do you always have to be right? Why do you always have to have the final word?

A true leader doesn’t need to resort to the tactics I mentioned in the beginning of this post. A true leader leads from strength, concern for others, and by listening to those around them, and letting others speak what they feel without fear of reprisal.

A true leader is respected, not feared. They don’t try to bully others into doing what they want.

And this is true in your personal relationships as well as business situations. While there should never be a “leader” in a relationship, since a relationship is a partnership, neither partner should try to make the other do something using any of the methods listed above.

Look at yourself closely. Are you using any of the negative tactics mentioned above? And if you are, don’t you think it’s time for some self-evaluation?

Don’t Make A Permanent Decision…

Posted on March 2, 2023 by Deborah Newell

….based on a temporary emotion.

It never turns out good.

And you’ll find yourself suddenly living in the land of regret.

Sure, you may be devastated because your significant other just broke up with you, but that doesn’t mean you have to quit your job and move to another town where you don’t know anyone and start over because you’re afraid people will talk about you.

You may be angry at your employer, angry enough to quit your job to “show them how much you’re” needed”, but all that does is make you unemployed with no immediate job prospects and no hope of a good reference from that former employer.

Or you may be upset because of the way you thought one of your friends was treating you and decide to tell them exactly how little you think of them. Only a day or two later you discover you were wrong, and lost several of your other friends because of your actions.

Uncomfortable or life-altering situations occur in our lives more often than we’d like. And our first reaction to such situations is often anger or in some cases devastating heartbreak, as in the loss of a close loved one. At those times we’re not thinking rationally, and our thought processes are turned upside down.

We’re not able to totally comprehend the gravity of what may have just happened, let alone think clearly enough to make permanent decisions based on what happened. Because the next few days may start to clarify things that will enable you to make more rational decisions.

We’ve all heard stories such as this, like the woman who thought she’d caught her husband cheating, and went home and destroyed all of his clothes, his important papers, and told his employer what she’d supposedly “discovered”. Only to find out the woman she’d seen him with was a travel agent helping him book a surprise vacation for their anniversary.

Farfetched? Not really. Most of us have been in or heard of similar instances.

Our emotions can easily get the best of us when we’re angry, stressed, or facing a difficult situation in which we can’t see a way out. Making permanent decisions when we’re in that frame of mind are a recipe for total disaster. And if you sign your name on the dotted line, there’s usually no turning back.

The lesson here? Don’t make major, permanent decisions until you really think them through. A day or even better, a week or two, will give you a cooling down period in which you can determine the best way to handle your particular situation.

Because if you don’t, you’re most likely going to regret it.

Making Mud Pies

Posted on February 16, 2023 by Deborah Newell

Do kids even do that anymore? With all the different play food items there are in stores today, do they even need to try to enjoy the fun of making mud pies?

Our granddaughters have all kinds of play food items, plus all kinds of kid’s kitchen appliances, cooking utensils, plastic dishes, etc. They like to see what they can put together for each other, and what “meals” they can make for mommy and daddy and their dolls, but the “food” they “cook” with is plastic, perfectly shaped and colored to resemble real food, from ice cream to pizza to cakes and pies and burgers and hot dogs. And everything in between, or so it seems.

They don’t have to imagine they’re making something that doesn’t really look like what they say it’s supposed to be. Everything is “served” looking like what it is, and no one has to guess what they’re being “served”.

I’d have loved to have had all the fun food toys we bought for our daughter to play kitchen and tea parties. And our granddaughters have even more, or so it seems, especially since they have most of what we’d saved from their mom’s toys.

But having all the play food and kitchen toys didn’t instill any love of cooking in our daughter, but that’s a whole other topic.

But maybe it’s because she never really learned the art of making mud pies. Even though she’s an only child, she spent a lot of time with other kids at daycare as well as with other kids in our neighborhood. They didn’t make mud pies either. She never really wanted to. It just didn’t interest her.

Maybe it was the times I grew up in, as well as being an only child with not a lot of other kids my age to play with living nearby. And not having the huge selection of toys that kids have today. I had a small set of play food, but it wasn’t anything like what kids have now. And my dolls did seem to enjoy it.

But I sure enjoyed making mud pies. That’s actually one of the memories I do have from being a little girl. I pretended for hours I was really cooking, and was so proud of myself when I presented my mother with all of my goodies.

My mom actually let me use one of her old saucepans that was clearly beyond its useful life. And she found a few small aluminum pie plates and cake pans that I could use to “bake” my creations. And a couple of very old kitchen spoons.

In my little girls’ world back some 60+ years ago I didn’t need anything more to make my creations!

I carefully mixed the dirt I dug up from different areas of the flowerbeds, making sure I didn’t leave a gaping hole that my mom would see, or step in. We had several water spigots outside where I could get just enough water to make my “batter” the right consistency. Experimenting taught me that the thinner batters made for better “cakes” and “pies” while the thicker batters were better for “cookies” and “biscuits”.

“Baking” was really important, and it took forever (so it seemed) to get them done. You see, when making mud pie creations you have to let them bake in the sun. And sometimes that takes longer than you’d think. You had to check them often to make sure they didn’t crack.

And of course you had to serve them in the pans you prepared them in. Otherwise it would be a disaster. I can still see them in my mind. Of course most likely the actual creations look nothing like I remember, but we didn’t have digital cameras then, so there are no pictures to compare them to.

As my mud pie baking skills improved I’d add bits of decoration to them. I started with grass in the cake tops to look like coconut. That was interesting. Then I tried adding dandelions (I knew not to bother my mom’s flowers) to the top. They looked good at first but the next day…not so great.

Rose petals looked good, too, but I was careful to use the ones that had already dropped on the ground. I also experimented with putting pebbles in the “cookies”, you know, sort of like chocolate chip cookies?

And when my mom “tried” them, she was always so pleased with my creations, and said they were delicious! Thank goodness we all had enough sense not to really eat them!!

You’d think with all my “baking experience” I’d have really gone all out when I became an adult, making and decorating cakes and cupcakes. Unfortunately my talent was in the actual baking, not the decorating. That’s not my forte at all. But I do like to make cookies, and I use that talent every Christmas.

But maybe this spring I’ll start to teach our granddaughters the fine art of making mud pies. At their parents’ house of course. And remind them their baby brother won’t be quite old enough to help yet.

They’ve already learned how to decorate real cookies with tons of sprinkles, so I’m sure they’ll be good at mud pies. And I’m sure they’ll end up wearing a lot of mud like they did the sprinkles.

Anybody have some favorite mud pie “recipes” to share with the girls? Maybe they can even put together their own cookbook!

Little Did I Imagine…

Posted on January 20, 2023 by Deborah Newell

…when I first saw you, my beautiful baby daughter, when I first held you, where life would take you. I had no idea where your life would take you. All of the adventures ahead. All of the exciting times. The special times in your life. Your first boyfriend. Graduating from high school. Meeting Chris, the young man who quickly stole your heart. Your 21st birthday. Graduating from college. Getting engaged. Your wedding day. You and Chris announcing your first pregnancy.

Little could I imagine where your lives were going next….

I couldn’t take my eyes off your own first daughter Rachel when I first saw her. I cried. I couldn’t help it, because I saw my own mother’s eyes in her. She looked just like you when I held you in my arms the first time. And you looked exactly like me when I was a baby. There’s no doubt we’re all related. Your grandmother even used to call you by my name when you were younger.

I watched as you adjusted to being a mother, watching your grow into a new level of adulthood. You and Chris both changed your lives, as you learned how to be parents. And that’s not an easy thing to learn. (I think your dad and I are still learning.)

I watched Rachel grow from a little baby into a toddler, running around and keeping you both on your toes. Then there came the day you sent us a picture of Rachel looking at a “big sister” book and I couldn’t call you quick enough! What a double blessing you’d given us!

Little did I know what you had in store with those two little girls…sisters who I know will end up being best friends forever. Even though right now they alternate between loving each other to yelling and screaming at each other. Sometimes in the same hour. I do often wonder what would’ve happen if you’d had a little sister like that. Most likely the same things you’re seeing them go though now. And since you’d have been the oldest, I can imagine you’d be acting a lot like Rachel!

And I kept telling you you’d have a boy next time, which you and Chris both wanted. I just felt it. And you didn’t believe me. And little did you know, but I was right. I knew it when you sent us a picture of your two girls both wearing “big sister” shirts. And once again I couldn’t call you quickly enough!

Little did you know this time it WAS a boy, even though Rachel kept telling you it was, even before any of us were able to confirm it. And I knew he’d look just like his daddy.

We did know you’d probably have the same problems with daily morning, afternoon and evening sickness you’d had with your other pregnancies, although we were hoping for an easier time.

But little did we imagine you’d develop a rare pregnancy-induced liver condition that would endanger both you and our grandson. Fortunately you had excellent medical care and a prayer team who never stopped praying for you and baby Ryan. And he was born just five days before Christmas. Five weeks early. You said he’d be early, and you were right!

And little did I expect to have the reaction I had when he was born. I’d been so nervous with this one, especially knowing how early he was, and sitting in the waiting area pacing back and forth waiting for news.

I wasn’t prepared for a nurse coming out to get me and telling me there was someone who wanted to meet me, and I should come with her. I’d been so nervous that it took a minute to register what she was telling me. “He’s really anxious to meet you,” she said, “but you can’t touch him yet!”

At that point it registered, and I almost ran back to see our son-in-law standing by the isolette with their new son, all 6 pounds of him, his little head covered by a red and white crocheted cap for Christmas. “He’s perfectly healthy,” Chris said proudly.

And I couldn’t do anything but cry my tears of happiness, and relief that our miracle child was here. He was beautiful!

But little did we know he’d be back in the hospital on his one week birthday because he wasn’t holding his body temperature. Fortunately once again our prayers were answered and he was back home within three days, just in time for the new year!

Little do we know what lies ahead for all of you with your family now complete. Three beautiful children. And now celebrating 15 years since your first date and almost 8 years married! And look at where life has already taken the two – now five – of you. And it’s hard to believe little Ryan is already one month old.

Life is always interesting and certainly never boring, and your lives will definitely remain interesting, to say the least. We love you all so much.

Decisions

Posted on January 9, 2023 by Deborah Newell

We make them every day, you know. And they’re not always big ones.

We decide what we’re going to wear that day, and what shoes go best with that outfit.

We decide what we’re going to eat. If we’re going out to eat, and if so, we decide where. Or if we’re staying at home, we have to decide on a menu, and if we’re cooking it ourselves or having it delivered from a restaurant.

If we have children, we have to help them decide what to wear, and what they’re going to eat. Among other things.

We have to decide what we’re going to do on our weekends. Where we’re going and with who. Or if we’re just going to enjoy time to do nothing.

If someone we care about has a birthday coming up, we have to decide on a gift.

When it’s Christmas we have to decide on gifts for our family and friends, and even more, decide on ways to make the holiday a very memorable and special time.

These are decisions we make that many times we don’t even realize we’re making them. They just happen and we usually do them without a lot of thought.

They’re easy to make.

But then there are the other decisions. The tough ones. The ones you don’t want to have to make, but you sometimes have no choice.

The decision to leave a job and start over, when you see that things are going terribly wrong and may not get better. Or you’re not going anywhere with your current job and you know you need to make a change.

The decision to move yourself and your family several hundreds of miles away for either family situations or employment opportunities, leaving behind other beloved family members and friends you’ve known forever.

The decision as whether or not to split up with a spouse for totally devastating reasons: unfaithfulness, theft of your personal savings; criminal activity; severe drug or alcohol abuse; physical or emotional abuse. The list can go on but you get the idea. And it’s especially hard if you have young children.

The decision to move an elderly parent or maybe your spouse to a nursing home or other specialized care facility because they can no longer care for themselves and you cannot do it either.

Or even worse, the decision to take a family member off of life support because there is no hope for recovery.

Decisions are sometimes easy, and other times difficult, even gut wrenching. Unfortunately they’re part of life, and there’s sometimes no choice in the matter. You make the best decision you can under the circumstances. And once you do, you can’t look back and do a “what if?” Because those “what if’s” aren’t going to happen.

Whatever decision you may be facing in the coming days, weeks, or even months, make the best one you can under the circumstances. And don’t look back, because you did the right thing at the time.

May you have the confidence to make the right decisions in the coming year, and may you make them with no regrets afterwards.

Be at Peace…Not in Pieces

Posted on January 6, 2023 by Deborah Newell

I don’t know about you, but lots of time I feel like I’m pulled in so many different directions I’m in the middle of a tug of war and about to be torn apart.

Sometimes I just need a break to regroup and let go of some of the things that are pulling at me and threatening to tear me apart or crush me into pieces.

What about you?

Everyone needs a time to rest; a time to relax. A time to do only what you want to do.

Some time to say this is MY day to be with me and no one else. To spend time catching up with yourself. Asking yourself what’s gotten you in this shape and what you need to do to get yourself back to you.

And don’t be afraid to answer yourself.

Go to your quiet place and just be you. Do what you enjoy most by yourself. It may be reading, writing, painting or drawing, creating jewelry, or just taking a walk on the beach or having a massage.

We all need this escape from time to time, to be at peace with ourselves. Not in a bunch of pieces that seem to get more and more broken as we go along. To put those broken pieces back together.

Take some time to find your peace this week. Before life starts to break you again.

And Once, Again It’s Almost Over

Posted on December 31, 2022 by Deborah Newell

How many of us are saying that this year? I know I am! It’s been a rough year for a lot of people, some much more than others.

At times it seemed this year dragged in forever, and then suddenly were wondering where the year went!!

Life has changed for lots of us, in so many ways, and not always for the good.

Sure, there have been some happy and wonderful events in 2022. Engagements, weddings, new babies (our new grandson and a couple of babies for our daughter’s friends), expected babies, graduations, new careers, and new beginnings.

But it’s also not been so easy for so very many. There have been unwanted and painful separations and divorces. Unexpected deaths of loved ones and friends. Life changing diagnoses and accidents. Job loss and continuing unemployment. Financial struggles. High gas prices (which are fortunately going down now). Inflation.

Then there are the catastrophes which hit thousands of people. Disastrous hurricanes and torrential flooding. Brutal snowstorms and below freezing temperatures which have already resulted in a number of deaths due to the temperatures. Earthquakes. Tsunamis. Loss of thousands of homes with people left wondering “now what do I do?!” More mass shootings for absolutely no reason except hate. The horrible war in Ukraine which has resulted in thousands of senseless deaths, thousands of devastating forever life-changing injuries, and thousands of people losing their homes and everything but the clothes on their backs.

Now you may say these things happen all the time; we just hear about them more because of the times we’re living in. That may be true, but to the people affected, it doesn’t make it any easier.

You may be directly affected, or you may not. If not, what if you were? Put yourself in their places for a little while, and your circumstances aren’t quite as bad.

Personally our year has been ok, but it’s had its moments. We’ve had some medical issues, not only with my husband this time, but with our daughter’s complications during her pregnancy (which fortunately resulted in a healthy baby boy). We’ve had friends going through extremely difficult situations, including job loss, serious illness, and loss of family members. We’ve stood by them as they stood by us, because that’s what friends do.

Some weeks it seemed like all we got was bad news. I almost didn’t want to answer my phone or read text messages because it was probably more bad news coming.

Did you feel that way? Do you still? Are you as glad as I am that this year is almost over?

But just remember, we felt a lot like this last year at this time.

We entered into 2022 with hopes of a bright future. Changes for the good. New beginnings. Some of us had them. For some of us, it was more of the same.

This year let’s try something different. Instead of looking and waiting for change in the new year, let’s help make it happen. Waiting and hoping and doing nothing won’t cause the change we want.

There are 365 new days coming in a new year. 365 opportunities to make something better happen. Sure, a lot is dependent on others, but you still can make a difference by changing the way you look at your circumstances, changing the way you think about them and deal with them. Some problems may not be solveable that easily, but making plans and goals to get you where you want to be is a great start.

And your attitude is the beginning. If you start by saying “I can’t do this without that.” “Someone else will have to do it for me,” then you’ll not get anywhere. You won’t be able to make your plans and hopes and dreams for the new year become a reality.

You may think the grass is greener on the other side, but I can almost guarantee those people with that greener grass think their grass isn’t nearly as green as THEIR neighbors’!

“If I just had __________________.” isn’t the answer either. There’s no magic solution that’s going to make your new year automatically better. It’s planning and attitude. It’s how you see things and how you deal with them. Perhaps, like us, there are a few things you know you’ll be facing in 2023 that are somewhat out of your control, but still, it’s how you handle them.

Because you can’t control everything that happens in the coming year. There will still be losses we will have to face. There will still be natural disasters that we can only prepare for as best we can and hope for the best. And we certainly cannot control the actions of others, and how they affect us, but we CAN control how we react to them and how we deal with it. And not let them get the best of us.

Yes, I’m glad 2022 is almost over. And I’m hoping 2023 is a much better, much more prosperous, and much healthier year.

Yes, there are sure to be tough times as well, but overall I’m looking for good things for this year for all of us.

That’s how I’m going to look at it.

Happy New Year!!

What Do I Want for Christmas?

Posted on December 13, 2022 by Deborah Newell

My husband has asked me that question several times. And I can’t give him the answer he’s looking for.

Because what I want just cannot be bought in a store, put in a box, or wrapped in a fancy package.

This year has been difficult with many challenges. We’ve lost friends, and friends have lost loved ones. Our daughter is going through a difficult pregnancy and this mother’s heart is stretched with worry.

In years past I always had a Christmas gift list. This year I have one for family members, and close friends, but I honestly can’t think of a single material thing that I want or need.

Because the things I want cannot be bought online or in a store. They aren’t even for sale.

First on my list is our new grandbaby arriving safely and healthy. And to see the smiling faces of our daughter and her family in person, as we’ve been quarantined from them since Thanksgiving.

My list includes good health for us all. And affordable and easy to get healthcare. And I want our healthcare choices to be between us and our physicians, and not dictated by politicians seeking re-election. And this includes access to mental health care as well as physical health.

My list includes the epidemic of mass shootings and senseless violence to end. I can’t remember many days this month in which I haven’t heard about someone going on a rampage with a gun, ending lives for no reason and destroying countless families. I want this to end.

My list includes our country retuning to a semblance of unity. For the political parties to end their partisan games, vicious name calling, and ridiculous conspiracy theories. I want all of the sides to come together and work for the good of what’s left of our system of government and put it back together instead of calling for senseless investigations that waste time and money, and calling for an end to the Constitution, which in effect could result in a civil war.

My list includes people being free to love who they love without being afraid to make their relationships public. Who a person loves is a private choice and I have no right to condemn anyone for that choice. And neither does anyone else.

My list includes an end to homelessness. No one should have to be without a roof over their head and food on their table.

My list includes an end to the war in Ukraine, and the lives of those people so devastatingly affected being put back together.

My list includes an end to racism, an end to antisemitism, and an end to people hating others simply because their religion is different from theirs. (And by the way, that’s definitely not love, if anyone is wondering.)

And my list includes an end to all the bickering, back biting, name calling, and meaningless hate messages I see on social media. It’s not healthy, and it’s certainly not in the spirit of Christmas.

My list includes friends, former friends, and families starting to care about each other again, and remembering what they once loved about each other, and finding that love again.

There isn’t anything on the list that just one person can give another. Everyone has to work together to make these gifts a reality. Yes, we will get to see our family very soon now that we’re finally well, but the other things…they require all of us to work together for that goal, and at this point I’m not sure that can even happen anymore.

Yes, that’s what I want for Christmas.

Who else wants that as well?

Not the Way to Start the Season

Posted on December 5, 2022 by Deborah Newell

There’s never a good time to be sick. Especially for someone who never gets sick. And especially with Covid.

My husband and I are fully vaccinated and boosted. We never thought it could happen to us. But it has. He’s been sick with bronchitis for almost three weeks and now we’ve both tested positive for Covid.

Fortunately because of the vaccines we probably don’t have it as bad as without them, but it’s definitely not a good thing to get. We’re exhausted, achy, coughing, and generally miserable.

And thankful we don’t have it any worse than we do, because it could be so very much worse.

However, I had one of my feelings that we needed to get all of our decorating done before Thanksgiving, which we did, because we don’t know when our grandson will make his appearance and we wanted to be ready. And most of our shopping for the grandkids is already finished and wrapped thanks to Amazon.

But there are still things I want and need to accomplish, like making cookies and doing gingerbread houses with the grands, and having friends over for dinners, but that’s certainly on hold for now.

However, lying around like this is actually giving me time to reflect on some of the things that are important, especially at this time of year, that we tend to forget about in the hustle and bustle of “doing” rather than “being.”

Yes, the decorations are important because they give our home a Christmasy glow, but decorations cannot be fully appreciated unless family and friends are around to enjoy them with us. And right now, it’s just the two of us. And we don’t know how long it’ll be before we can be around others, or even go out and visit our friends and finish last pieces of shopping we can’t do online. Sending pictures and Face Time isn’t the same.

But then I start to think about how we are still so richly blessed, even feeling as bad as we are. Because we have access to good medical care, a warm home to keep us safe while we recover, and enough food and other essentials to last us through this quarantine period, however long (and hopefully not much longer) it may be. Very fortunately it’s not like in the beginning of this pandemic when so many who were struck down didn’t survive, and I credit that to the vaccines we have had.

We are not facing forced isolation because we contracted this virus, as has been happening in other countries. We are quarantining ourselves because it’s the right thing to do.

It also gives me time to reflect on the blessings we’ve had during the year. Yes, it’s been challenging in a lot of areas, but we’ve gotten through it. And the blessings have outweighed the challenges.

There are still things I really want to do before Christmas, but now I’m not sure if all of them will happen. Making cookies is a Christmas tradition we’ve enjoyed for many years. It’s not only about the goodies themselves, but it’s the family involvement with our daughter and now her daughters, the fun of seeing them helping decorate their own cookies and being able to take them to their friends. It’s also the fun of sitting with them decorating gingerbread houses, which isn’t always the easiest thing to do, but it’s a special time together, and right now I’m not sure when we can even get together for it.

And there is still some shopping to do, but it’s mostly for each other, and there’s not really anything we really need, so if doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen. Christmas is not all about giving and getting gifts. It’s about love for each other. And we have lots of that.

But one of the worst parts is that our grandson may be coming into this world soon, and we may not be able to be there for the event. We may not be able to see in person our granddaughters meeting their baby brother for the first time. We most likely won’t be able to meet him in person for several days or more after he’s born unless we get well very quickly. But that’s not in our control either, and as long as mother and baby are healthy that’s all that matters.

No, this isn’t how we planned to start the holiday season, but it is what it is. And hopefully we’ll be over this sooner rather than later, and will be able to get together with our family and friends and continue on with our holiday traditions. And appreciate them a lot more.

Little Miracles, Part 1

Posted on November 28, 2022 by Deborah Newell

We see them everywhere. Every day. But so many times we don’t realize it.

We keep looking for our own miracles. And most of the time we don’t notice them.

Why? Because we expect miracles to be big. Really big events that stop us in our tracks. That cause us to say “WOW”! And “I never expected THAT!” Or “That was truly a miracle because it just couldn’t have happened otherwise.”

But consider all the little things that we experience on a daily basis that just seem to happen naturally, and we never stop to think about all the parts that had to come together to make that one thing happen.

They can be in the form of unexpected encounters. Meeting someone who told you something that resonated deep within you, an answer to something that you’d been searching for, and didn’t even realize it.

Or maybe you were the one who made a comment to someone strictly by chance, and that comment was something they really needed to hear at just that time.

How about the time you were cleaning out a drawer or a closet, perhaps in a loved one’s home, or even a box you’d packed up long ago, and discovered something so precious to you that you sat down and cried over it. Maybe a letter or a journal you’d never seen before, telling you something you’d always wondered about, and never knew; or something you’d long forgotten but really needed to be reminded of.

These are not necessarily what we traditionally think of as miracles, but they are that, nonetheless.

We associate the Christmas season with miracles, because Christmas began with the miracle of the birth in the stable. But miracles happen daily and all around us. We just tend to notice them more because Christmas is such a special and almost magical time of year.

This is the first of several writings on this subject for this holiday season. How many there will be I cannot say, because I never know what I’m actually going to write until I start writing. Yes, I have ideas, but many times those ideas take me in directions I didn’t expect.

Another form of miracle, perhaps?

More to come. Keep watching.

Do You Like Jigsaw Puzzles?

Posted on November 15, 2022 by Deborah Newell

A book I read recently by Sarah Morgan had this quote which I absolutely love: “A relationship is like a jigsaw. Made up of tiny pieces. Whether it’s with a partner, with friends, with children…it’s made up of hundreds of tiny pieces. Some perfect, some imperfect. Those characteristics unique to each of us, the genes we inherit, our life experiences, the way we behave. Tiny misshapen little pieces that make us who we are….”

Personally, I really enjoy doing jigsaw puzzles. Actually I do them on my iPad. No lost pieces to contend with. And once you complete it, you don’t have to try to figure what to do with it, because who really wants to take it all apart after you’ve spent all that time working on it?

If you look at the pieces, they’re all slightly different. They may be a similar shape, but there’s only one piece that will fit exactly where it’s supposed to go. And unlike a conventional puzzle, on an iPad you sure can’t force that piece to fit where it’s not supposed to go.

But this piece isn’t about actually putting together a jigsaw puzzle.

Unless you stop to consider all the tiny pieces of your life that go into what makes you unique. Like a completed jigsaw made up of thousands and thousands of pieces that are put together to form who we are.

But there’s a difference between the pieces of our lives and a jigsaw puzzle.

Because a jigsaw puzzle has a finite number of pieces that can only go together one way to make one particular picture. Now the puzzle program on my iPad allows me to change the number of pieces I can use, from a mere 16 which is way too easy, to 1400 which I can’t even imagine trying.

So just imagine a jigsaw puzzle with thousands and thousands of pieces which can be rearranged at any time as new pieces are added. All of our experiences, good or bad, become part of that jigsaw puzzle that is us.

Like the jigsaws on my iPad, we can view the pieces as a combination of major events in our lives (the bigger pieces) or the minor events that become parts of the larger pieces of the puzzle that makes up our lives.

How we view our circumstances, how we make our life decisions, is determined by the way those jigsaw pieces are put together. But unlike the puzzles on my iPad we can add pieces, and rearrange those pieces we already have to make room for the new ones.

Our lives are a complicated puzzle, which is why no two of us are alike. Nor will we ever be. No one else has exactly the same circumstances in their life that anyone else does. And everyone’s puzzle pieces are put together in different patterns.

And our puzzles are 3-D rather than the flat puzzles we normally associate with jigsaw puzzles. Can you imagine the work that goes into the puzzle that is our life?

We must also remember we are all a continual work in progress. On a daily basis. And our puzzle pieces continue to change and rearrange themselves until there are finally no more pieces to be added.

I picture my personal Jigsaw puzzle as a collage of bright colors, with lots of flamingos, Yorkies, books, and of course an abundance of family. Being 3-D it also shifts its shape, constantly moving as pieces are added and rearranged.

Think about it. What does YOUR personal jigsaw puzzle look like? What pieces will you add today?

Just Living Life

A journal of advice, stories, and ideas from years of living

Category Archives: Thoughts and Musings