I’m NOT Sitting with THEM!!

Posted on April 18, 2014 by Deborah Newell

So now you’ve actually completed the guest list. Everyone has sort of agreed on who’s included, and the invitations have been ordered and mailed. RSVP’s are coming in. You’re actually to the point of being able to relax? Right?

Ha! No way. Not if you’ve had a bunch of well, shall we say, discussions (rather than disagreements, controversies, or heaven forbid, arguments!) over the guest list. Because now you have to figure out who’s going to sit where. Some people just aren’t made to get along with some other people. And the last thing you want at your wedding is for your guests, or you, to be uncomfortable!

If you’re one of those lucky couples where everyone on your list gets along with everyone else, makes friends easily, and can talk to just about anyone, well, you’re really lucky, and you can just read this and be thankful that none of these scenarios are going to happen at your wedding!

Unfortunately, there’s almost always someone, or several someone’s, that don’t need to be around certain other someone’s. If you get what we’re saying! Family or friends. It almost always happens.

Unless you’re dealing with very uncomfortable stepfamily issues in one or both families, seating at the ceremony shouldn’t be too difficult. It’s only for about half an hour. Surely everyone can basically get along for that time. And if you’re having to decide how to seat parents/step-parents so there won’t be any problems, all we can say is turn that one over to your wedding planner and let her handle it, because that’s a controversy better given to someone else to handle who’s a neutral party! And for your sakes, let’s hope everyone can at least pretend to like each other during the service! (Fortunately no one is supposed to be talking during the service, so you’re probably fairly safe. Just be careful during the photos!)

The reception is always another matter. And if you know you have people that are coming to your wedding who just don’t get along, you’re going to need to be really careful where you seat them.

Now, a lot of brides and grooms prefer open seating, so people can sit with who THEY want to be with, not who you THINK they should be with. And unless you’re anticipating problems, maybe open seating will work. However, if you’re having just enough seating for all those invited, you’re also taking a risk that some of your guests will end up with people they don’t know at all and have trouble talking to for whatever reason, or you end up with an odd number of open chairs and some couples or families have to separate to be seated.

Or what if your families are all trying to sit together (hint: reserve a table or two for family!) and your Aunt Karen can’t find anywhere else to sit but at the same table your cousin Lynn is seated at…and these two absolutely cannot stand each other! And Aunt Karen is definitely the type who will stand up and make a scene with “I’m NOT sitting with HER!”

These are definitely things you do NOT want to have happen! And things that not even the wedding planner can always anticipate…only pick up the pieces afterwards!

You’re sort of doing assigned seating if you have a head table with your wedding party joining you. And as we said previously, you do need to reserve a table or two for family members. After all, don’t they deserve to sit near the wedding party? Since most of the time some of us are paying for it? So maybe you really need to re-think your idea of whether or not you’re doing assigned seating.

After all, between the two of you, you know everyone who’s coming, and you pretty well know who they get along with and who they don’t. So it may not be quite as difficult as you think to come up with a seating plan that should basically make everyone comfortable. (And yes, people have been known to switch tables with others…and it usually works!) It’s certainly a lot better than having your guests sitting with people who make them uncomfortable, or with people who basically know each other except them, and then people can tend to feel really left out at a time that should be nothing but happy!

Unless you’re having your cocktail hour in another room that isn’t near the main reception room, you can also find people saving their seats by leaving purses and jackets at the dinner tables while sampling the appetizers and hors d’oeuvres. And usually either no one else knows who’s set their things where, or even worse, someone decides they just want to move your belongings around to make room for themselves and their party, and then you can have more problems! We’ve actually seen people do this, and when confronted (nicely) by the person whose belongings they’re relocating, just shrugged and said, “oh, I didn’t know this meant someone planned to sit here! Were you really saving these seats, because we really want to sit here so we can see better!”

Really? Yes, rudeness is not limited to small children who don’t know any better. And speaking of children, there are also people who really do NOT want to have to sit at a table with children, and could very well make that request very well known if the only seats left are at tables with children!

So what do you do? Well, first of all, don’t try to solve your problem like one couple did who thought it would be cute for everyone to draw table numbers out of a jar when they walked into the reception. Can we say recipe for disaster as well as angry guests?

And if you’re serving a plated meal rather than a buffet, and gave your guests choices of entrees, or there are vegetarians or guests with food allergies that you’re trying to accommodate, it gets even more problematic. Not only for the waiters who are trying to serve, but for the guests who may get the wrong meal.

It’s also important to remember that assigned SEATS are different from assigned TABLES. Unless you’re having a five course meal with several entrée choices being served, assigned tables will suffice perfectly well. Guests can place their escort card with their entrée choice at their seat and the waiters should do fine serving the proper selection. And seating arrangements are really not THAT difficult to make, at least not in theory. (that’s what post-it notes and poster boards are for!) Because you can move the names around really easy…then you realize that there are an awful lot of possibilities out there for seating people, and well, if YOU’RE having questions about who should sit with who, just imagine how your guests might feel when they can’t find a place to sit with anyone they know and end up feeling left out and leaving early because they’re not having a good time!

Now chances are, unless you’ve been living in a bubble, you’ve surely seen all those really cute escort card displays on Pinterest, and we know you’re secretly just dying to try one of them out…. Many of the seating chart ideas incorporate perfectly as part of your reception décor, and can be as creative as you are! We’ve actually found so many different styles and ideas, it’s really difficult to say which are our favorites:

mr boddingstons studio on Every Last Detail via lover ly

Meg Smith on Snippet and Ink via lover ly

You can also be extremely creative with table names, even if you’re NOT doing assigned tables! After all, there has to be some good way to call the tables up to the buffet lines. (Everyone herding at the same time is NOT a good idea!) You can name the tables to correspond with your theme, or one of our favorites, using pictures of the bride and groom at their ages according to the table number! (Personally, there’s a wedding in the future I really want to do that for!) Imagine the names you can come up with!

But no matter what you decide, this is one area where you have to think of your guests almost as much as yourselves. You want everyone to have a good time, and come away from the wedding with nothing but happy memories!

So what’s YOUR plan going to be now?

Photo Sources: 1st Row: via etsy; shefinds.com; vponsale.com – 2nd Row: iwedplanner.com- 3rd Row: mywedding.com; silberstudiostv.com – 4th Row: interest.com – 5th Row: weddingelation.com – 6th Row: weddingideasmag.com – 7th Row: pleatedjeans.com –8th Row: Bella Rose Photography via lover.ly – 9th Row: intertwinedevents.com – 10th Row:thinksmartdesigns.blogspot; onewed.com; Mr. Boddingtons Studio on Every Last Detail via lover.ly; Meg Smith on SnippetandInk via lover.ly; Bill Blakey Photography; bridescafe.com; apicturelife via bridalguide.com; lilyandval.com – 11th Row: film noir photography; bohoweddings.com; blog.myweddingreceptionideas; zazzle.co.uk; source unknown; apaperproposal.com

You’re Invited…You’re NOT Invited

Posted on April 15, 2014 by Deborah Newell

Recently we’ve been reading about a growing trend that evidently started in Europe about sending out, for lack of a better term, “You’re Not Invited’s”! Personally, I cannot imagine any of our brides doing that, and we would most definitely advise them against it!

A subtle bit of advice, of course. With one of my not-so-quiet “are you out of your mind??” responses!

To me, this seems to suggest the classic touch of a bride-zilla. However, the more I read, the more it seems that more couples today are actually doing this, either by email, text messages, private Facebook messages, or even asking their wedding planners to call certain people and tell them, well, they aren’t going to be invited!

Since that particular item isn’t listed in any of our packages as being part of our services, we would definitely need to negotiate that one! Hurting people’s feelings, or insulting others, isn’t on our list of responsibilities. How would you feel if you got a call like that?

Drawing up your wedding guest list seems like a simple matter, but it’s definitely not the easiest task involved in the wedding planning. Unless you have an unlimited budget, and we haven’t met anyone yet who does, there are going to be people you’d like to invite, but just can’t. Your venue can’t accommodate but so many people, and neither can your budget. Sounds simple, right? Until you get started. Suddenly you find you have a lot more family than you thought, and a whole lot of friends that you really want to be there.

More than you can afford. More than your venue can accommodate. And your wedding planner can’t write out your guest list for you. We don’t know your friends and family. We don’t know the in’s and out’s of your relationships. So it’s up to the two of you! We just need a copy.

Now, you don’t want to invite your ex-boyfriend’s mother, even though you still like her. Nor do you want your friend Greg to bring his current girlfriend, because she happens to be your fiancé’s ex-girlfriend. And it wouldn’t be a good idea to have your aunt’s ex-husband there, even though you’re still sort of friends, because she’s coming and bringing her current boyfriend. And good heavens, your fiancé’s father is divorced and dating someone almost no one likes, and his mother will be upset to see him with the woman he left her for, and you really don’t want her to come either, but how do you avoid it?! Unless you elope?

Hmmm. Maybe these “you’re not invited’s” aren’t such a bad idea after all?

(We actually did find an example of a “you’re not invited” that we can see as almost fairly acceptable. It sort of combines an announcement with an explanation. What do you think?)

But that’s the only example we found after searching for a couple of weeks. What does that tell you?

So what do you do when someone starts asking you about your wedding, and you naturally start talking about all the plans you’ve made so far, and then that person tells you how much they’re looking forward to being there? And they’re not on your list. You hadn’t even considered it. Do you tell them you haven’t even THOUGHT about the guest list yet? Oh, wait, you already mentioned something about that in the conversation…

You can always blame their not being included on your future husband/wife. “He/She just has too many relatives!” “We divided up the wedding tasks and he/she is in charge of the guest list. Not me.” “My parents are paying for everything and they’re in charge of the guest list. I don’t even know who’s on it.” Really?

“A-list” and “B-list” guests? If someone on the “A-list” can’t make it, do you have an extra back-up invitation or two you can send out to the first one on your “B-list”?

There’s actually no easy solution to any of this. There are some rules to follow, though, like only sending out Save the Date’s to people who are actually INCLUDED on the guest list. Or inviting friends to the bridal shower who are actually going to be invited to the wedding! You don’t want someone thinking that you think they’re good enough to buy you a gift, but not good enough to be at the wedding and reception itself! (Which is basically what you’re saying, isn’t it?)

And when you send out the actual invitations, be sure you make it perfectly clear whether it’s ok for your single friends to include a date, and whether your friends’ children are invited or not. (That’s a whole other topic!) Because that can add up to problems as well.

Bottom line solution….make your list. Check it twice. Or more. Yes, you’re stuck with some of the obnoxious relatives you really would rather not be there, but then again, it’s YOUR wedding, and you deserve to have it [mostly] like you want when it comes to the guest list.

And please…don’t go out and buy a set of non-invitations that look like invitations to send out when you send your real invitations. I mean, you’re trying to cut costs? You just added them! And gave the “B-list” people something else to complain about when they’re talking to the “A-list” people.

And for goodness’ sake…don’t make a “C-list”!

Photo Sources: 1st Row: Source Unknown- 2nd Row: Source Unknown- 3rd Row: paulandkat.com- 4th Row: Source Unknown – 5th Row: Source Unknown

Keeping the Kids Busy

Posted on April 11, 2014 by Deborah Newell

There’s always a big discussion when you’re making your guest list over whether or not children are invited. This subject can really make a lot of people upset, including a lot of your family members! Especially if they have children who aren’t invited!

First of all, if you’re having a flower girl(s) and ring bearer, you’re going to have children there! And don’t be thinking that you’ll just limit it to just those couple of kids, because if you’re including them, how in the world are you going to tell your fiancé’s groomsman that HIS children aren’t invited!

You want to share your happiness with everyone you love on your wedding day. But why don’t you want their children? There can honestly be lots of reasons. Cost is usually a big factor, since you’re going to have to pay for their meals, too, even though children’s meals are usually discounted. And please don’t try to ask their parents to pay for their children’s meals, like we’ve heard a couple of brides did! That’s worse than excluding them altogether! Some couples have said they didn’t want babies or kids under 2-3 at their wedding because they might cry, and it would spoil their ceremony recording. Even though they have a point, don’t tell the guests that either! Or you may want to limit it to no children because of the adult food and beverages to be served. There are as many reasons as there are weddings.

So let’s look at this issue. And bear in mind, there’s no right or wrong answer.

If you decide not to include children, let your friends and family with young children know as far in advance as possible so they can make arrangements for childcare. We usually suggest that rather than putting “No children please” or “Adults only” on the invitations. And rather than addressing your invitations as “The Smith Family” (which implies children are included) write the names of the adults who are actually invited on the envelope and the inside envelope of the invitation. If the kids are invited, “Children welcome” is fine. And be sure to include on your RSVP card a line for the number of adults vs. children who will attending!

But it’s YOUR wedding. And you and your future spouse have to make that final determination.

As we said earlier, if you’re having a flower girl and/or ring bearer, then you’re having children at the wedding. You’re certainly not going to have them IN the wedding, and then tell their parents they aren’t welcome at the reception! Although I’m sure that’s been done. But how would you feel if it were your kids?

Personally, I love having the little ones in the wedding, even though we never really know for sure that they’re going to do what they’ve rehearsed. All those pictures on Pinterest of the little ones walking down the aisle with their signs, or their flower baskets or ring pillows are just adorable. But the younger they are, well, the less likely they are to cooperate. After all, when they practiced there wasn’t a whole huge group of people sitting around with all their eyes on them! That’s enough to make anyone nervous, especially when you’re just 3-4 years old! And having to stand at the altar during the wedding and keep still? What’s the attention span of a 3-4 year old anyway? But they are an important part of the day, and who cares if they provide a little light-hearted distraction?

Just remember, don’t make it too complicated for your flower girl(s) or ring bearer(s). Remember, they’re kids; they’re going to be a bit nervous. You’re the bride – or groom – and you’re an adult and YOU’RE going to be nervous as well!

phoenix-wedding-photography greatkidpix wordpress com-12

One of our brides had her flower girl and ring bearer, and also her five year old son who walked her down the aisle, since her dad had passed away. We weren’t sure whether he’d be nervous or not and refuse to walk at the last minute, so I did have (as always) a back up plan, but he did great, and was so proud to walk with his mom and hand her off to her husband to be…. Yes, I did almost cry at that moment!

Plus, the little ones do make taking pictures afterwards a bit…interesting. But they’re so cute in the pictures, who can resist?

Then there’s the reception! And the kids, well, they do need some supervision! And almost always the parents are really good about that. Of course, sometimes they do slip away. And then you never know what they’ll get into. (I do wonder, though, if some of these pictures were candids or actually staged!)

Just make sure that if your wedding party is seated together, that the flower girl and ring bearer are seated with their parents, and not at your head table, otherwise you are most likely in for some misadventures!

You could also have a kids’ table, with special kids’ activities, goodie bags, fun kids’ food, and our suggestion, someone to sit at the table with them to “babysit” them. You don’t want their parents babysitting either, because you want them to relax and not have to worry about what their children are doing. They can even have their own special “toast” with milk and cookies! (They might even share if you’re nice to them!)

Michele Beckwith Photography Stylemepretty

And the kids do have a great time out on the dance floor, and sometimes steal the show!

Many hotel venues actually offer a separate kids’ room that can be set up just for the younger wedding guests, with games, videos, snacks, and of course adult supervision. To us, that’s ideal, if your budget allows!

Our advice…if you’re planning a wedding start thinking about it now. It may seem like a minor detail, but trust me, it can become an issue if you’re not careful.

And by the way, we’re talking about actual AGES of the children. Not those of your friends and family who act like children on occasion or are still “young at heart”. That’s a whole other subject for another time…..

Photo Sources: 1st Row: greylikesweddings.com; karentranflorals.com – 2nd Row: onsugar.com – 3rd Row: southernbrideandgroom.com; thebridaldetective.com; Arnie Otto Photography on Etsy- 4th Row: weddingbee.com; Biltmore Estates on tworingstudios.com; phoenixweddingphotography via greatkidpix.wordpress.com; hudsonphotos.blogspot.com – 5th Row: SeanHolderPhotography.com – 6th Row: dreamweddingshawaii.com; deviantart.com by achfoo – 7th Row: GPTPhotography via BridalMusings.com; elitesoundsentertainmentgroup.com – 8th Row: theweddingcottage.net; lilsugar.com; greenbrideguide.com; cdn madamenoire.com – 9th Row: Jen Williamson on BorrowedandBlue.com; lovelyindeed.com; meyoujustustwo via tumblr; Michele Beckwith Photography on stylemepretty.com; sweetpaultypepad.com – 10th Row:besthudsonvalleyweddingever.com; thephotoargus.com; unitedwithlove.com; weddingbee.com

Making a List and Checking it….??

Posted on April 8, 2014 by Deborah Newell

We’ve all seen those signs on Pinterest that say something like “Today two families become one, so pick a seat, not a side!”

Well, in theory that’s certainly true. However, sometimes in reality that’s not quite the way it works! (But wouldn’t it be nice if it did?!)

And if only it was just dealing with where someone is going to sit at the ceremony and the reception. More on that in another post!

One of the first (and sometimes most stressful) parts of planning the wedding for the bride and groom is writing out the guest list. Because it’s not usually just the two of you putting it together! Oh, no. Your families are going to want to include their invitees, and rightfully so if they’re paying for the wedding, or even a portion of it. That’s just how it works.

But the guest list can become a real point of contention, sometimes to the point of total “knock down, drag out” arguments in which you don’t speak to each other for days! And that is something you need to avoid.

The hard truth is, #1, there is a budget. Each guest costs $XX. And #2, unless you’re holding your wedding and reception somewhere with 3-4 moveable walls to accommodate half of a small town, you’re not going to have enough room for your second cousin twice removed and his whole family, or your great aunt Martha who you haven’t seen in twenty years!

So where do you start?

Tradition says that each side should have an equal number of people invited. However, that tradition is not always strictly adhered to any more, since the couple usually counts their friends as THEIR friends, not his or her friends. Some families and extended families aren’t as large as others. And there are always some out of town family members who need to be invited and almost certainly won’t be able to come. At least so you think! Until they get their invitation! And guess what…they’re coming!

So have your fiancé and his family write out their list of “must invite” and “would like to invite” and “should invite”. You and your family do the same. (This sounds better than an “A” list and a “B” list, even though that’s sort of what you’re doing.) Go ahead and include family, friends, and anyone from your offices that you might think you should ask. But be careful here! Unless you’re really, really close to some of your co-workers, it’s usually best to leave them off the list!

After you have these lists, then ALL of you talk it over. And yes, you do need to agree, at least for the most part, on who you’re inviting. So who’s on the lists? Immediate family, well hopefully you already know each other’s immediate family. If not, you will really soon! Sort-of-distant family. Ok, we got that. And those people who will get really mad at you if they’re not invited, but someone else is. Family Feud may be a game show on TV, but it can really rear its scary head during the preparing of the wedding guest list! Aunt Sylvia is invited but Cousin Harold isn’t? You’ll never hear the end of it! Or your mom and her cousin haven’t spoken to each other in years because of some family incident no one can even remember, but you’re still not sure an invitation should be sent…..

Then you have your friends. And their “significant other”. You really shouldn’t invite someone to come to a wedding by themselves. You’re going to have to try to include “and guest” on the invitation. After all, if you were in that position, wouldn’t you be upset? And remember to include the spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend in the guest count for the bridal party, too.

Now here’s another sticky area. What if one of your really good friends is now dating one of your “ex’s”? And wants to bring him/her. That could be quite interesting. For everyone. As well as uncomfortable, depending on how the relationship ended. (And whether your future spouse knows about him/her!) Hopefully you and your friend can talk it out rationally and come to a solution. Because there’s really no cookie cutter answer for this one.

And no, you shouldn’t invite your ex’s brother/sister/mom/dad, etc. no matter how much you still like them.

Then you have the acquaintances who may just assume they’re going to be invited. And keep trying to find out details about your wedding, and then they start telling you how they can’t wait until your big day! Well, neither can you! But they’re not invited. What do you do? Well, just mention you’re still working on your guest list and how big a task it’s turning out to be. Then change the subject! And don’t think that just because someone invited you and your fiancé to their wedding that you HAVE to invite them. Or if someone gives you an engagement gift without being invited to a party or shower, that doesn’t mean they have to be invited either. If you hadn’t planned on inviting them, don’t do it! That’s your decision, not theirs!

Stepfamilies are always another bit of a touchy area. If you’re in that position, and unless everyone really does get along well with each other, it’s going to take a bit of diplomacy to get through this one. And we’re only talking the inviting right now, not the seating at the ceremony and reception. That’s a whole other blog for another day!

There’s also another tricky question, and that’s whether or not you invite children. But it’s also something you’re going to have to sit down and discuss (and possibly with those who have kids that aren’t going to be allowed to bring them) because you’re always going to have someone who gets mad if they can’t bring their children. Just bear in mind that when you have a flower girl and/or ring bearer, there are children at the wedding! And you have to be careful where you draw the line! Again, that’s a whole other blog to follow shortly.

And when you’re doing the food count, you should also include your pastor and his/her spouse (who may or may not attend the reception), as well as vendor meals to feed your photographer and DJ’s/band members. And the wedding planner, too! If we have time to eat anything, that is.

Sound like you’re getting ready to walk through a mine field? Well, in some cases that’s exactly what can happen! Just remember, you only have so much in your budget, and your venue only holds so many people. If you have to, use that as an excuse if someone actually has the nerve to ask why they aren’t invited. Which they might.

This is also good training for your married life ahead, because there’s going to be lots of times where you and your spouse are going to disagree and you’re going to have to compromise, and sometimes those disagreements are going to be involving both of your families!

Remember it’s YOUR wedding! The final choice is yours!

(And if all else fails, you can always elope! Then just have a big party!)

Photo Sources: 1st Row: iloveswmag.com; via etsy – 2nd Row: telegraph.co.uk – 3rd Row: source unknown- 4th Row: bridalguide.com – 5th Row: thebettermom.com – 6th Row: backthird.com – 7th Row: girlsofwisdom blog –8th Row: James Thomas Long Photography – 9th Row: lilysbridal.net

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Tag Archives: guest list

I’m NOT Sitting with THEM!!

You’re Invited…You’re NOT Invited

Keeping the Kids Busy

Making a List and Checking it….??