Yes, you promised. You both did. And you meant them. You really, truly did.

Life was supposed to be happily ever after. Good jobs. A nice house, with nice cars in the garage. Two or three well behaved kids who made good grades, played sports, and participated in dance and music recitals. They’d grow up, go on to college, find great careers. They’d get married and have their own kids, and soon you’d be grandparents, and enjoy your retirement years together with your kids, their spouses, and your grandkids. Probably somewhere warm and sunny.

But then life happened and although you both meant well at first, and were sure nothing could tear you apart, something changed. Something happened. Things happened. Bad things. Dangerous things, even.

Financial indiscretions. Alcohol abuse. Drug abuse. Infidelity. Affairs. Lies. Screaming arguments. Storming out of the house and not returning until the next day. Verbal abuse. Broken furniture and holes in walls. Sometimes even physical violence against you. Incarceration of your spouse for any number of serious reasons.

You tried. Many times. He asked for forgiveness; you gave it. And gave it. And gave it again until the words were just that. Words spoken just to stop another argument.

But you both had promised. And promises are never supposed to be broken, right?

You still have a few framed pictures sitting around from that day so long ago when you both promised each other before your families, your friends, and most importantly before the Lord, that you would love and cherish each other in sickness and in health until death do you part. You both looked so happy.

Who knew how things would eventually be?

You both believed those promises you made that day, and meant every word of them. But what happens when the death that parts you is the death of the marriage, the death of the love, the death of respect and trust, and not the death of your spouse?

I’ve said it before. Marriage is hard. It’s not to be entered into lightly, or on a whim, or without seriously talking it over and knowing what you’re getting into. It’s a lot of work.

But sometimes, no matter how hard you try, the marriage just can’t survive. There are lots of reasons. Sometimes only one partner is willing to try, and it takes both partners to be totally committed to make a marriage work. It usually involves a serious change in lifestyles and actions. And sometimes, unfortunately, even with both partners trying, it just won’t work any more.

And that’s beyond sad. It’s a tragedy. But look at the reasons I listed for these failures. They’re serious reasons. You may even still love your spouse, or the person your spouse used to be, even after some of those situations have been uncovered.

But sometimes love just can’t fix it all. And sadly you have to move on.

Does that make you a failure? Not at all. Does it make you sad? It should. It’s never a happy occasion when a marriage truly cannot continue to exist.

But as long as you know you did everything you could, you can still pick up the pieces of your life and move on, knowing you gave it your best, but the circumstances you found yourself in were too profoundly difficult, and sometimes too dangerous, to allow you to continue.

Yes, you promised, but sometimes there’s no other solution. For your own safety, and your own mental, and sometimes physical, health, sometimes you just have to let go.

And know that there’s something better on the horizon.

Sometimes it’s hard to do.

Happily ever after isn’t always as happy as you expected.

Life was supposed to be nothing but happiness and fun times. But in between the fun times there are the hard times, which make you appreciate the good times, the fun times, even more.

I’ve said it before. Marriage is hard. It’s not to be entered into lightly, or on a whim, or without seriously talking it over and knowing what you’re getting into. It’s a lot of work.

That’s why excuses like some of these for marriages breaking up drive me crazy. Are you really that shallow that you think these reasons are good reasons to give up and walk out on your spouse? And forget the promises you made as if they meant nothing?!

“He/she isn’t really attractive any more.” Well, are you? And is that the only reason you got married? Not a good reason to break up.

“I met someone I like a lot better. He/she is leaving his/her spouse as well.” And in another few years you’ll both probably do the same thing again. And probably do it again to your next “soulmate.” I’ve seen it happen lots of times. So why’d you get married? Why didn’t you just live together until you’d had enough and it was time to move on to the next conquest?

“I’m bored with all this. Marriage isn’t exciting like I thought it would be.” Then maybe the two of you need to start doing things you haven’t done in a while. What did you think marriage would be like, by the way? Just because you’re married, doesn’t mean you stop doing all the things you enjoyed doing before you got married. Can’t you just enjoy being together like you used to?

Or in a similar vein, “I don’t really like having someone around all the time and having to make plans for the two of us. I need my own time to do what I want to do, and not be concerned about someone else every day.” You wanted that person around when you were dating, enough to commit to a marriage. Did you think marriage meant going separate ways when you got tired of him/her, and having your spouse come back around only when it suited your plans? Does
the word selfish come to mind?

“He/she works all the time and we still can’t make ends meet.” Then re-examine your finances and see where you can cut back, or what other lifestyle changes need to be made. Living apart won’t be any easier financially, by the way. Finances are always a serious issue in a marriage, but they can often be one of the easier problems to fix.

“She can’t cook very well and doesn’t do my laundry like it should be done.” That’s not a reason to call it quits. It’s a reason to sit down and talk and figure out how to help each other better around the house. There may be some things you need to do better as well. (Cooking together might be a good start, and actually be a lot of fun.)

Are you getting the picture? Little things can almost always be worked through, sometimes with outside help, sometimes with just the two of you making more of an effort.

When was the last time you surprised your spouse with a card just to say “I love you”? When was the last time you brought home flowers for no reason at all? The last time you lit candles for a romantic dinner, even if that dinner was burgers or hot dogs? When was the last time you two took off for an impromptu weekend together? Just the two of you?

Little disagreements always come up in marriages. Sometimes they turn into big ones. But for couples truly committed to each, committed to their marriage, it’s worth finding the right ways to end those disagreements, and remember the love you two shared on your wedding day, and you should still be sharing.

And keep your promises.

Unfortunately sometimes that day comes. It’s certainly not planned. It was never even considered. But the wedding cake has crumbled, and the frozen slices that were saved for anniversaries are just that…frozen…like the marriage. The flowers have died and been thrown out, the few petals originally saved as remembrances turned to dust. The rings, once shiny and bright, are now tarnished and dull, and don’t even look like gold any more. The toasting wine has soured, and the toasting glasses were smashed long ago.

The photos you have of that smiling couple full of love and promise are now only faded memories you want to shred and burn, or at a minimum, cut out the faces of people in favorite shots of friends who are still there for you.

The beautiful wedding, the prelude to happily ever after, was only that. A wedding. Because the marriage part just didn’t survive.

Because marriage is hard. It’s work. Sometimes it’s very hard work. You never know how hard it really is until you’re in the middle of it. The honeymoon that followed the wedding, when the two of you were newly wed with not a care in the world, not worried about anything except where to go for dinner…that was a beautiful beginning to the world of stark reality. Where there are bills to pay; a home to take care of; disagreements over all kinds of things you never even
imagined when you were dating; more bills to pay; misunderstandings and unexpected financial and other emergencies.

It’s all a part of this thing we call life and marriage. And let me tell you again, marriage is not easy. It’s not all roses and walks in the moonlight, although they do still happen once in awhile. I can say this, because it took me two failed marriages to finally find the right husband, and this year we’ll celebrate 32 married years together. Has it been easy? No. Has it been worth it?
Absolutely.

Recent statistics tell us 50% of today’s marriages end in divorce. That’s a very sad statistic in so many ways. Even with the pre-marriage counseling most pastors require before performing the wedding ceremony, obviously too many marriages still don’t make it.

The handsome prince turns out to be a toad full of ugly warts. Cinderella turns out to be the horrible, wicked stepsister hidden behind a beautiful disguise. And happily ever after becomes a dream still unrealized.

The marriage was only a wedding…a dress rehearsal that ended in broken dreams and broken promises.

When I was growing up I didn’t even know any people who had been divorced, at least I don’t think I did. I didn’t know any kids who were from broken homes until I was in the ninth grade when we met some kids whose last name was different than their mother’s, and we had to have an adult explain why.

What’s happening to cause these heartbreaking statistics? There are as many reasons as there are divorces, not the least of which is lack of a firm commitment by both spouses to make the marriage work. That means putting each other’s needs above your own. Working together to achieve common goals. And being truly committed to working to keep the promises you made to each other on your wedding day. For better or worse. Promises are not supposed to be broken.
It’s gotten far too easy for one or both partners to give up on their marriage because it’s too much work to fix it.

But sometimes, no matter how hard you try, the marriage just doesn’t survive. There are lots of reasons. Sometimes only one partner is willing to try, and it takes both partners to be committed to make a marriage work. And sometimes, unfortunately, even with both partners trying, it just won’t work any more.

This is why I clearly heard the Lord telling me as I was planning one of the many weddings I coordinated for our church, “Don’t be so concerned about the wedding. Be concerned about the marriage.”

Because a wedding lasts only part of a day. A marriage should last, as the vows say, “until we are parted by death.”

But sometimes the death is the death of the marriage.

How is the health of your marriage? Does it need help? Is it going strong?

Or was it only a wedding?

And if it was only a wedding, you’d better work on the marriage part, and work hard! Because that’s the best part!

Several weeks ago our daughter had complained that her engagement and wedding rings were so tight on her finger she couldn’t get them on any more. So she took them to her jeweler who re-sized them for her, and now they once again fit perfectly. You see, her hands had been swelling during her pregnancy, and when she finally delivered our granddaughter, her fingers never quite got back down to their pre-pregnancy size.

How simple…our rings get too tight, and we get them adjusted. We don’t take them off and discard them. We don’t say I won’t wear them any more because they hurt. We fix the problem so we can continue to wear them.

But what happens when those wedding rings start feeling too tight, and it’s NOT because of swollen fingers, but because of other reasons? Feeling trapped, unloved, and unappreciated. Feeling like so many mistakes have been made, that those rings just keep getting tighter and tighter until you have no choice but to do something about it, and either take them off and put them away, or have them re-fitted so you can keep wearing them.

While you may be tempted to just put them away and be done with them, along with the reasons you’ve been wearing them in the first place, that’s not the answer.

Remember when those rings were new? You’d just bought them, and both of you tried them on, excitedly anticipating the day you’d place them on each other’s fingers, never to be taken off again. You wondered what that would be like, and if it would be hard getting used to wearing them.

And now….they aren’t new anymore, and sometimes they feel heavy, tight, really uncomfortable. You’re so ready to take them off.

But it’s not about jewelry. It’s about your hearts. Which may need fixing a lot more than your rings.

Those rings are a perfect circle. Not just because that’s how they fit best on your finger. But that never-ending gold circle also symbolizes the never-ending love between husband and wife.

As your officiant said in the marriage ceremony as you prepared to exchange your rings: “These rings are an outward and visible sign of your love for one another, and the promises you just made to each other as a result of that love. They are a perfect circle, representing your love which, when given to one another, comes back around again and again; never ending. They are made of precious gold, which has been refined by fire, yet still shines brightly.”

You nervously slid them on each other’s fingers, which wasn’t as easy as you thought, and said to each other, “with this ring, I thee wed…and pledge my life and love to you for the rest of our lives.”

And you were married. Those rings fit so beautifully and comfortably that day.

So why don’t they now?

Maybe it’s not that your fingers have swollen. Maybe it’s because your heart isn’t where it needs to be, and it’s causing those rings to be uncomfortable. And taking them off isn’t the answer, is it? After all, it’s said that there’s a vein in your ring finger which runs directly to your heart, so of course if your heart isn’t feeling the way it should, your rings will be uncomfortable.

Marriage isn’t easy. If it were, there wouldn’t be as many broken homes as there are today. Marriage is a lifelong commitment that you must work on every day.

Were your dating days all easy, or were there days you decided you never wanted to see each other again? But those days didn’t last that long, and you always came back to each other and worked things out. That’s why you got married, because you knew no matter what, you were meant to be together.

It’s the same now that you’re married; only you can’t, or shouldn’t, just not see or talk to each other until your issues are resolved. This time there’s a lot more at stake, and just because those rings are uncomfortable doesn’t mean you take them off and hide them away.

It means you clean them up, and adjust them to fit again. By talking to each other and working out your disagreements; getting your hearts right again. And remembering why you married each other.

When you do that, the more comfortable those rings will become again, and the brighter they’ll shine. Remember, the rings themselves were refined in the fire, made stronger, as they were made. Just as your marriage becomes stronger as it endures through both the good as well as the bad times.

So take those rings, clean them up, and slip them on each other’s fingers again, and remember how you felt that day. Speak your promises to each other again. Remember why you made them.

And look at how those rings are starting to shine again!

It was a beautiful day. Picture perfect, as the saying goes. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. All your friends and family were there. Both sets of parents cried as you said your vows. And so did both of you.

You posed for pictures, toasted each other with champagne, cut the cake, and danced into the night. She tossed her bouquet, and he threw the garter. Then you left for a wonderful romantic honeymoon. You spent a week enjoying the perfect vacation, and you hated to leave. But reality called, and as much as you wanted to stay on that honeymoon forever, you had to return to real, every day life.

But you knew it would be great; it would be perfect. After all, you were finally married, and ready to officially start your forever life together.

But after a while, the newness wore off, didn’t it? The almost-magical, too good to be true feelings started to fade as bills came in the mail; the air conditioning gave up in the house; the car decided it needed a major repair; and you got really tired of cooking and eating dinner at home every night because you needed to stay on a budget.

But do you remember those vows you made? What you said to each other? Let’s take a look at them.

“I take you today to be my husband/wife…to have and to hold from this day forward…for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death we part.”

And you meant those vows. With every inch and every part of your being. Sometimes you need to be reminded of what you promised. Especially that “for better, for worse” part! Because no matter how good things can be, there’s always something that comes along that upsets the way things should be.

That’s where the “for worse” part comes in. And it may seem to last a long time, but that’s only if you let it. When you work through that part together, it works itself back into the “for better”. And it actually becomes a lot better, because surviving the difficult times together make you stronger together.

No one ever said marriage was easy. Because it isn’t. Even the officiating pastor at the beginning of the ceremony usually reminds the couple, “Marriage is a binding and true commitment of two people vowing to love each other for a lifetime. It is a commitment not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly. But reverently, deliberately, and in accordance with the purposes for which it was instituted by God.”

They weren’t just words you said for the moment, you know. You promised, and promises are just that. They’re meant to be kept.

The wedding itself only exists now in the beautiful pictures displayed around your home, but the marriage…that keeps on going. It’s a work in progress, with highs and lows. For better or for worse.

It’s what the two of you make it. Together.

Don’t forget those promises made in love in the heat of a disagreement.

The heat of love is much hotter and far brighter.

What comes to mind when you hear the word “wedding”? Most of us still think about brides in beautiful long white dresses, with gauzy veils, carrying a beautiful bouquet of flowers, surrounded by several close girlfriends as her bridesmaids, all dressed in identical pastel colors and smiling happily at their friend who’s ready to walk down the aisle in a flower-filled church or other romantic setting. We picture the groom, nervous in his rented tuxedo, surrounded by his friends in their rented tuxedos, anxiously waiting as the bride is escorted down the aisle by her father. Vows are exchanged and the two promise to love each other until “death do we part”. There’s an amazing tiered wedding cake the two of them cut, feed each other a piece (hopefully not smashing it into each others’ faces) and then leave on a magical honeymoon.

And then it’s happily ever after. Right?

Or does that exist only in storybooks and fairy tales?

What is “happily ever after” anyway? Is it what little girls read about in Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty where the handsome prince sweeps his lady love off her feet and they live together forever in total wedded bliss, with a perfect home, perfect kids, and no worries ever?

It sounds good, doesn’t it?

But marriage is a lot more than having a perfectly planned and coordinated wedding. Once the dresses are put away, the tuxes returned, the wedding cake eaten, and the honeymooners return from their trip, then the marriage really begins.

And as much as you love your spouse, you begin to realize that the marriage is a lot harder than the wedding ever was. Planning a wedding can certainly be stressful, because you want everything to go perfectly. (And there’s almost always a little glitch that almost no one except the wedding coordinator notices.) But no one ever stops to think about planning the marriage. That is, planning what happens after all the wedding festivities are over and the real life together begins.

In reality, marriage is a lot more difficult than planning or coordinating any wedding!

For a number of years I was very much involved in wedding planning and coordinating. It was a lot of fun, and each one was different, each couple had their own definite ideas about what their wedding should entail, and each one had little glitches that happened at the last minute that we had to handle. One couple had a heavy metal band playing the Wedding March, which raised many eyebrows among the guests. One bride was adamant about certain family members not being allowed at the reception. One bride tried to add a bridesmaid the day of the wedding. One wedding entailed three groomsmen being almost an hour late for the ceremony, setting our time schedule in turmoil. One wedding involved the bride’s shy 5 year old son walking her down the aisle, and having to have a backup plan in case the young man got scared at the last minute (he didn’t and happily walked his mom down the aisle!).

All of these weddings came off perfectly to the guests. No one knew what went on behind the scenes, except those of us involved in the coordination.

But during one of the planning sessions for one of the couples, I distinctly heard the words, “don’t be so concerned about the wedding; be concerned about the marriage”. And those words weren’t aimed at just that couple, because I heard them several other times planning several other weddings. And before you begin to think it was because the marriages were possibly destined for failure, that was not the case at all. In fact, for all of the weddings I coordinated during that time, all of the couples are still together, and their marriages, although not without ups and downs, are still going strong.

On the contrary, the Lord obviously told me that statement to remind me that marriage is a lifelong process. Although the actual wedding may take months to plan, the actual event lasts only a day. The marriage is supposed to last a lifetime.

Good advice, but as a wedding coordinator I’d never thought about it that way.

Most couples don’t either. They’re more concerned about everything being “perfect” for their big day. They don’t stop to think about what happens after the celebrations and parties are over; when reality…life…sets in.

The truth is…marriage is not always easy. It takes a lot of work. The honeymoon was great. Your life as a couple is all brand new and fun; there’s no worries, no hassles. You’re on vacation, and vacations are meant to be fun and relaxing.

But then you return, and suddenly, you realize you’re married! This is it! And when the first thing goes a bit wrong in your relationship you immediately wonder “Did I make a mistake? Isn’t it all supposed to be happily ever after? What’s wrong?”

Nothing is wrong. You’re just learning to live together as a married couple. And there are going to be hard times as well as good times. Fun times as well as angry times. You’re still two individuals with your own opinions and your own ideas, but now you have to mold those ideas into one plan, one life. And both of you have to learn to adjust to each other. That doesn’t happen overnight; it takes years. My husband and I have been married almost 32 years, and we’re still learning. It’s a lifetime of learning.

All marriages start out with the idea of how perfect we are for each other; how much in love we are; and how great our life is going to be. But as daily life sets in, we can lose that perspective. Because a good marriage is hard work, and our human nature doesn’t always want to deal with the difficult.

Does every marriage have a happy ending? Unfortunately not. For many reasons. I can say this because my first two marriages didn’t last. They were weddings, but the marriage part, well, I won’t go into the reasons. But I can also add that my husband Ben and I have been married for almost 32 years. Has it always been easy? No. Of course not.

But if you love your spouse, isn’t it worth it to make that extra effort? Everything that’s worth having, worth keeping, is worth that extra effort it takes to keep your marriage as happy as you were the day of your wedding. Sometimes even happier!

After all, a wedding only lasts for a day; a marriage should last a lifetime.

He had it all planned. He’d already bought the ring. He’d asked her father. Now all he had to do was put his plan into action; make all the arrangements; and then get down on one knee and say those words. Ask THE question. And hold his breath until she answered. He knew she’d say yes, at least he thought he was sure she would.

And her…well, she was just waiting. They’d looked at a few perfect engagement rings, so she knew it was on his mind, and they’d talked about it a lot, but she just didn’t know when he’d be ready to finally officially ask her. And she knew that’s what she wanted. She just didn’t know for sure if he was ready.

Young love. It’s always a great story. How you met, when you started dating, when you really thought you knew he/she was “the one”. You’d talk about your future together for hours at a time. And you wondered…what would marriage be like? What would it be like to be together all the time?

So he finally found the perfect time to ask. Maybe it was at the place where you’d had your first date. Maybe your favorite restaurant with the waiter bringing the ring out nestled in whipped cream on an ice cream sundae. Maybe during a walk along the beach in the moonlight, or at an ice skating rink with “your song” playing in the background. But you really were surprised. You’d really had no idea. And of course you said YES!!!

And so then the excitement began. Setting the date. Planning the engagement party, selecting bridesmaids and groomsmen, dresses, flowers, cake, food, bridal showers, planning a honeymoon. It was a whirlwind.

Plus deciding where you’d live, picking out furniture, dishes, linens, signing up for the bridal registry and adding things you’ll probably never use!

So much to do. It was so easy to get caught up in all of the plans and details, that at times you wondered if it was all worth it.

Yes, you really did wonder that at times.

Because there’s a lot more to plan for than the wedding details.

There’s a life together to plan as well. And that’s the hardest part. Because wedding planners don’t help you with that part. That you have to do yourselves.

And no amount of planning can ever prepare you for what marriage is actually like. Each one is different, because each person is different; each personality is different. Each of you has set ideas about what marriage will be like. And you’d better discuss them together before you say “I do!” Because discussing them afterwards and finding out your ideas are different is not the right time.

Too often couples neglect the most important part of the planning process: pre marriage counseling with a pastor or other professional who knows the questions to ask, as well what the answers to those questions should be. And if your answers are totally different, the counselor can help you figure out compromises before those differences cause major problems later on. There’s nothing wrong with having pre-marriage counseling. It’s a necessary step in the wedding
planning.

Because a wedding lasts less than a day. The marriage that follows should last a lifetime. Are you ready for that lifetime together, because it’s not all wedding cake and flowers.

Each married day brings a new challenge to a husband and wife. Some are tiny, and some are big. Some start out tiny and become huge before you know it. And before you know it, in the shadow of your favorite wedding photo, you’re sitting in the same room not speaking to each other because you’re so angry.

Yes, it happens. And it happens to every couple. You’re not alone. Marriage is a process and a daily work in progress. Not all days will be picture perfect. Not all weeks will be easy. There will be disagreements, arguments, disappointments, and accusations.

It’s how you handle them. Together. It’s not always blaming him or her, but looking at the part each of you played in causing the problem. And then sitting down and talking it over. And solving your problems together.

So…are you sure you’re ready to do this?

The wedding will be much easier compared to the actual marriage. But when you really love each other, it’s all worth it. No one said it would be easy.

But the rewards of a happy marriage far outweigh all the rough parts along the way.